It's horrible to think this and more horrible to write this, but I have to do it anyways, because I'm in a process and God is doing something in me that I can't quite explain or even begin to understand. I'm coming to realize more and more that we (humans) are completely and totally bad! I've been realizing this because I'm really not liking people right now. Nothing has really happened to spur this on (and maybe this is all in my head), but I so don't want to be around others and I even annoy myself!!!
It just dawned on me that not one is good...not even one. No one is righteous...not even one. There is absolutely no way that I can love others in my own natural state. I can't. I don't like "being there for others," I have no patience for others, I have no desire to help others. If I had things my way, I would choose to just live life comfortably, not suffering, not doing things that are going to cause struggle and pain. I want to have others serve me, others to acknowledge how good and awesome I am, others to praise me and affirm me. I feel myself being sooooooooo bad!!! This probably sounds like I'm hating on myself and have low self-esteem, but it's not at all what this is. The optimistic person that I am about the world and about people, I think God is revealing to me that it is never us that can do good...only God can truly change people and He is so gracious and merciful that He chooses to use us to fulfill His purposes...
Why is God so merciful? Why is He so good to us? Why does He have so much patience in people like myself? Why is He so dang forgiving?
I don't think I'll ever understand the measure of His goodness...I will never understand His mercy, His compassion and (most importantly) His unconditional Love. Though I've been a Christian for a long time, why is it that I still thirst to Know Him more...thirst to understand, to seek and to be with Him? It definitely doesn't come from my own desire...it must be something that God has placed in me and is continually placing in me...
Prayer to God:
Though I can never understand you, I choose to follow you. Though I can never "get" you, I choose to be yours. Thank you for giving me the ability to choose you. It is only by your grace, mercy and gift of faith that I can choose you. Thank you for choosing me first. Thank you for loving me first. Lord I rest in you...
Jess
It just dawned on me that not one is good...not even one. No one is righteous...not even one. There is absolutely no way that I can love others in my own natural state. I can't. I don't like "being there for others," I have no patience for others, I have no desire to help others. If I had things my way, I would choose to just live life comfortably, not suffering, not doing things that are going to cause struggle and pain. I want to have others serve me, others to acknowledge how good and awesome I am, others to praise me and affirm me. I feel myself being sooooooooo bad!!! This probably sounds like I'm hating on myself and have low self-esteem, but it's not at all what this is. The optimistic person that I am about the world and about people, I think God is revealing to me that it is never us that can do good...only God can truly change people and He is so gracious and merciful that He chooses to use us to fulfill His purposes...
Why is God so merciful? Why is He so good to us? Why does He have so much patience in people like myself? Why is He so dang forgiving?
I don't think I'll ever understand the measure of His goodness...I will never understand His mercy, His compassion and (most importantly) His unconditional Love. Though I've been a Christian for a long time, why is it that I still thirst to Know Him more...thirst to understand, to seek and to be with Him? It definitely doesn't come from my own desire...it must be something that God has placed in me and is continually placing in me...
Prayer to God:
Though I can never understand you, I choose to follow you. Though I can never "get" you, I choose to be yours. Thank you for giving me the ability to choose you. It is only by your grace, mercy and gift of faith that I can choose you. Thank you for choosing me first. Thank you for loving me first. Lord I rest in you...
Jess
posted by Jess at 11:41 a.m.
1 Comments:
Now that you've said it ... I can't but help see that in myself as well... especially the past few days being in a 'team' I've been letting things team members do annoy me... and I'm even dwelling on it and allowing it to taint the way I see them, no longer seeing Jesus in them. And I even thought I was better than any of them!
And you're right its not low self-esteem or false humility. Understanding who we really are, is true humility, our mistakes and all. *Praise God* because of Jesus our mistakes and failures are not our identity. If our identity is in Christ how could our identity also the opposite of Christ. It would be a contradiction.
The problem for me is that I see how bad I am, and spend too much time trying to fix myself. I can't help but try to give God a helping hand in changing myself (and others for that matter) ... when really I should be submitting.
Even just typing the word 'submit' makes me uncomfortable.
...so now I will stop typing and start submitting. But God bless you for your humility & honesty, and praise God he is so faithful to complete that which He has started no matter how many road blocks we put in the way.
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