There's so much to do and so little time... that always seems to be the motto of the day. Shannon had a cartoon sketch posted on her desk when she was still working at the OMF office, which totally epitimizes this feeling completely: "God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind I will never die." It's a bit ironic, but I stuck that cartoon on my desk after she left... how weird. Now I'm shouldering the Serve Asia burden and it's definitely a heavy one to carry. I know... I know... it's been preached to me a number of times. It's never our work, but God's. It's not about us. It's all about God. (Sound familiar? Opening lines of a certain book...). At the same time, there are real responsibilities and real decisions to be made and though He never needs us to accomplish His tasks, He chooses to use us. Why?! Who really knows...
(Warning: I may rant a bit and be a bit random. If you want to stop reading right here and here, you can do so right now).
I know that I haven't really gone though tough things (externally-speaking), I feel that my faith is being tested. Though I tend to see God working in other people's lives, it's always really hard to see Him working in your own life (I'm sure all of you can agree!). There is a sense of numbness going on... I can't explain what my state feels like, but that's what it is at this point. It's not that I have a lack of faith in God, but I don't necessary "feel" things as I did before. This Sunday's worship time was really good. It wasn't emotional or anything like that, but it just gave me a bit of refreshment. Knowing about His ceaseless grace offered to us and taking this grace and really drawing upon it. Future grace... what does this really mean? There's a lot of expectations. I think I put this expectation on myself, but it's definitely not healthy. I feel people looking at me and expecting me to be perfect. I feel people talking to me expecting me to give "godly" answers. I don't like having expectations placed on me... rather I like surprising people and the way to do this is to lower people's expectations from the beginning so that it can only go up from there. When people find out what I "do" for a living, they all of a sudden become "more spiritual" and start sharing with me about spiritual things. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy hearing about what God is doing in their lives... it's just that there needs to be a limit in how much a mere person can take. Just like everyone else, my life is a process. Process of becoming the woman that God wants me to be and learning to submit at all times to His will and His ways... When is it ever going to end?!
Ok... I know everyone knows the answer...
(Warning: I may rant a bit and be a bit random. If you want to stop reading right here and here, you can do so right now).
I know that I haven't really gone though tough things (externally-speaking), I feel that my faith is being tested. Though I tend to see God working in other people's lives, it's always really hard to see Him working in your own life (I'm sure all of you can agree!). There is a sense of numbness going on... I can't explain what my state feels like, but that's what it is at this point. It's not that I have a lack of faith in God, but I don't necessary "feel" things as I did before. This Sunday's worship time was really good. It wasn't emotional or anything like that, but it just gave me a bit of refreshment. Knowing about His ceaseless grace offered to us and taking this grace and really drawing upon it. Future grace... what does this really mean? There's a lot of expectations. I think I put this expectation on myself, but it's definitely not healthy. I feel people looking at me and expecting me to be perfect. I feel people talking to me expecting me to give "godly" answers. I don't like having expectations placed on me... rather I like surprising people and the way to do this is to lower people's expectations from the beginning so that it can only go up from there. When people find out what I "do" for a living, they all of a sudden become "more spiritual" and start sharing with me about spiritual things. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy hearing about what God is doing in their lives... it's just that there needs to be a limit in how much a mere person can take. Just like everyone else, my life is a process. Process of becoming the woman that God wants me to be and learning to submit at all times to His will and His ways... When is it ever going to end?!
Ok... I know everyone knows the answer...
posted by Jess at 12:15 p.m.
3 Comments:
Thanks for your honesty Jess! and though you said it, there are others like myself that feel it.
I like your questions ... and in my experience asking questions is a good thing. I may already have the "right answers" but its not the same as having God answer them. Eventually there is a collision of two worlds... A God invasion takes place, when my theories are replaced by God's reality... and thats what we yearn for, God's intervention and power and grace and love in our lives that breaks down just one more of our barriers, that takes us one more step closer to Him.
God bless
I agree with "tom"... and would add that those who question, wonder, ponder, struggle, and fight for their faith can only get closer to God. This is reality. This is the journey and it's no different from the doubts of Moses, the disbelief of Sarah, the struggles of the disciples, etc etc etc. It's refreshing when we admit it. We're not more perfect, more holy, more moral, more Godly than anyone else. :) We can "feel" far from God, be He is not far. We can "feel" empty, but God knows and is there. We will say unGodly things, we will be unspiritual, we will lapse, we will not be perfect...... that's why God is God and we're not. lol
Thanks for letting me break into your Blog.
where do you find these random other bloggers...? very cool, nonetheless... glad I left Calvin there to cheer you up (sort of) -- sorry I missed your msn today -- I miss you, and I'm coming to the office before I go to the Dominican on Thursday. I have some stuff to return (like the credit card for starters... HA!)... don't get worn out, Jess, just let it go. You choose which things are important to focus on and go for them - let all the other things (that others might think are important) just slide to the side because you aren't superwoman - you can only do so much. Do what you can do well... love you
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