It's horrible to think this and more horrible to write this, but I have to do it anyways, because I'm in a process and God is doing something in me that I can't quite explain or even begin to understand. I'm coming to realize more and more that we (humans) are completely and totally bad! I've been realizing this because I'm really not liking people right now. Nothing has really happened to spur this on (and maybe this is all in my head), but I so don't want to be around others and I even annoy myself!!!

It just dawned on me that not one is good...not even one. No one is righteous...not even one. There is absolutely no way that I can love others in my own natural state. I can't. I don't like "being there for others," I have no patience for others, I have no desire to help others. If I had things my way, I would choose to just live life comfortably, not suffering, not doing things that are going to cause struggle and pain. I want to have others serve me, others to acknowledge how good and awesome I am, others to praise me and affirm me. I feel myself being sooooooooo bad!!! This probably sounds like I'm hating on myself and have low self-esteem, but it's not at all what this is. The optimistic person that I am about the world and about people, I think God is revealing to me that it is never us that can do good...only God can truly change people and He is so gracious and merciful that He chooses to use us to fulfill His purposes...

Why is God so merciful? Why is He so good to us? Why does He have so much patience in people like myself? Why is He so dang forgiving?

I don't think I'll ever understand the measure of His goodness...I will never understand His mercy, His compassion and (most importantly) His unconditional Love. Though I've been a Christian for a long time, why is it that I still thirst to Know Him more...thirst to understand, to seek and to be with Him? It definitely doesn't come from my own desire...it must be something that God has placed in me and is continually placing in me...

Prayer to God:

Though I can never understand you, I choose to follow you. Though I can never "get" you, I choose to be yours. Thank you for giving me the ability to choose you. It is only by your grace, mercy and gift of faith that I can choose you. Thank you for choosing me first. Thank you for loving me first. Lord I rest in you...

Jess

Vegging...

It feels good to do nothing (if that's even possible!). I've been vegging out and lofting at home, watching DVDs after the other... Though I feel a bit lazy, it feels good to just relax and not think about anything! I've been keeping the DR team in my prayers and other things that pops up in to my head (for no reason on my own part), but other than that... I've been loving my time at home :) This upcoming year will be really interesting, filled with lots of activity and adventures! Though I can't wait to be a part of it all, I need to be re-fueled and re-charged before starting this new year.

At this point, I've been feeling more anti-social than ever (which is totally unlike me)...don't feel like seeing people, or being around people... ahhhhhh welll.... Don't know whether this is just one of those things that I have to go through or if it's an attitude that needs to be changed on my part. Sometimes I don't know whether it's me that needs to be changed or whether it's the outside that needs to change...don't know anymore. All I know is that I feel like my natural state is being transformed (more like Christ?!) and I feel like I'm losing all control in the process of sanctification (or whatever this is)...

Feels like my whole world is being changed (though I really haven't gone anywhere) and I don't know how to "be myself" anymore... This probably doesn't make sense to anybody, but just had to get this out of my system ;)

Kindred Spirit...

I feel like Anne (of Green Gables...One of my favourite books/movies!) when I talk about kindred spirit, but it's pretty rare when I find something that hits my heart to the core...so I must write it on this blog. It's been pretty difficult for me lately, because it's getting lonelier and lonelier as I get closer to Him. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because I'm coming to realize that following Christ requires for us to walk the narrow road. Although there are so many people around me, I find myself unable to find people who can truly understand and relate...

I found a kindred spirit while reading Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secrets. I was not only encouraged greatly, but challenged to continue on this trek up the narrow road:

...And how blessedly He did read me I can never never tell. It was like a continuation of some of my earlier experiences at home. My faith was not untried; it often, often failed, and I was so sorry and ashamed of the failure to trust such a Father. But Oh! I was learning to know Him. I would not even then have missed the trial. He became so near, so real, so intimate! The occasional difficulty about funds never came from an insufficient supply for personal needs, but in consequence of ministering to the wants of scores of the hungry and dying around us. And trials far more searching in other ways quite eclipsed these difficulties and being deeper brought forth in consequence richer fruits (87-88).

The "richer fruits" I doubt I'll be able to see when my eyes become focused on Him. Following Him is the reward in and of itself. The other blessings are just the icing on the cake...

Steph's Engagement Dinner

Whoah...it's getting to be more real! We went to a really good (really expensive) Italian restaurant to celebrate Steph's engagement. Just family. It was a good time to share in their celebration. Here's the happy couple: